Should I stay or should I go?

Asking military wives what they do during a deployment is as loaded of a question as asking about childbirth.  Everyone has an opinion and a strong one at that.  Recently, I was reading a very long Facebook thread (remember everyone has an opinion) about this exact topic.  Of course, I have an opinion too.  Since this is my blog, you are about to hear my opnion.  It's a long one, so hold on tight!

There are a lot of factors to consider when deciding what to do- in fact the deciding might be the hardest part of the pre-deployment stress.  I would like to talk about the two most common remarks posted.  One was that women prefer to stay near their military family because they say that their military family was more understanding.  The second issue was keeping life consistent (if that's possible) for their kids.  I agreed with a lot of the statements and arguements made, but there were a few ideas that peeked my interest.  I like to believe the best in everyone and I hope this post will help ease the stress of deployment decisions for wives.

When I am at home and I bump into someone, I always end up saying, "oh we are staying with my parents for a while because my husband is deployed".  I hate, hate, hate hearing these two responses:

"It's not that long...."

and

"It could be worse....."

I understand that, in their hearts, they mean well.  They believe that these are words of comfort and hope.  They are not.  I tell myself these things every-single-day.  I know it isn't that long and I know it could be worse.  They do not know that.  They are not in my shoes and they have no idea about the struggles in my life.  Chances are, their babies have never gone more than a week or two without hugs from their dads.  Please do not, I repeat, do not say these words.  Perhaps it is encounters like this that make us wives squirm at the idea of leaving our military station.   

There are words that are nice and comforting.  I like to hear things like:

"Thank you for your family's service and sacrifice."

 or

"That's tough, what can I do help you out."

What about the children.  There was a lot of talk about keeping life consistent for the kids as a reason to stay at the current duty station.  I say, lets be honest with our kids.  Life is NOT the same.  It's not the same for me and it's not the same for them, when DH is deployed.  There is no sense in pretending that it is.  Let's accept that life is different and learn to find happiness in it.  My children are young, but they understand a great deal.  I have faith that they will rise above these challenges and that their lives' experiences will give them wisdom beyond their years.  

Let's be kind with our words to everyone- military wives too.  I saw a wife post that the deployment was "really a very short one".  Why, why say these things?  It doesn't feel short when you are trudging through it.  Another woman wrote, "you are young, better to get used to it now."  I don't like the idea of be miserable now, so you are less miserable later, do you?  I have seen wives wear their, "I toughed it out by myself" badge of honor.  No thanks there, I don't have anything to prove to anyone. There has got to be a better way.

 I believe the way is to speak words of kindness or no words at all.  What works for my family, just might not work for your family.  Lets do a better job of honoring peoples decisions and supporting them.  The final comment I added to the thread was, "Think about what will make you happy.  Your children will be happiest if their mom is too."  So whatever the decision is, be happy in it.  Life is hard enough, lets not make it harder on ourselves or anyone else.

Many blessings to my friends with deployed spouses.